I owe this to myself as a human being, to develop and better, learn and improve myself. Tomorrow, Sunday, will be exactly three years I have been living on this asteroid of nestness. In this time i have learned to read and write, just achieved a life-long dream I’ve had for over 50 years: to write a letter all by myself. I also now have 9 awards, taken three courses and had some counselling.
Seeing someone you care about going through the moods and symptoms of bipolar disorder can be distressing. I am using this time to understand bipolar disorder so I can support him better in the future.
I now have some awareness of my mental health. Because I have gone through so many issues so young, I have been left with a life time of vulnerabilities. I have learned not to get myself into another situation where my well-being is affected by extreme, exceptional stress.
The big surprise is discovering poetry in my second year in prison. I am finding it therapeutic and it’s helping me to penetrate my body armour revealing my scars, ripping open some deep wounds. But I also know it’s the right time to open them, so I can trace my fingers along the intersections of my life.
What I am trying to do with my poetry is focus all my negative energy into a single point, then turn it into a sharp beam of creativity. The reaction from other prisoners, prison officers and my friends has made me cry.
I think our greatest message and most effective ministry will come out of our most difficult experiences, the things we are most embarrassed about, most ashamed of, most reluctant to share.
I have learned I have the ability to touch the heart of others. And this may be the meaning of my sentence.
Sometimes I wonder if you are there, or if you care
I also wonder if you can see what’s going on around me
I pray to you many times but I feel you never hear me
I’m on my knees when I talk to you, I’m open my heart when I speak to you
I sometimes cry and feel very bad, I am also so sad inside of me
I feel all alone, on my own, no one to hold my hand or stand by me
I have never felt you even when I have called you,
they say you are with me,
I have a deep desire to know who you are, but you seem so far
I do not have confidence in you at this time. I am pessimistic.
Do you exist in all this mist, or should I dismiss,
I am not sure what to believe
There’s three kings that followed the star,
there’s Adam and Eve, ten commandments people believe,
healing disease, sharing the bread,
raising the dead, demons fled
parted the sea, there’s Galilee,
people now see dinner for twelve,
then they dine, 40 nights, then the wine,
walked on water
Crucified, then he died – only to rise
It’s hard to know what to perceive
it depends on what you want to believe
Are you there? I wonder